Patience by Gill How

Patience is the state of endurance in difficult situations

By Gill How

“Patience is the state of endurance in difficult situations, persevering in the face of delay or provocation. It is the level of endurance before negativity.”

“Virtue is moral excellence, a positive trait or quality deemed to be morally good.”

Both these descriptions come from Wikipedia.

The topic here is patience as a virtue. I have journeyed with patience over the last few years and felt drawn to write about it here.

My relationship with patience became explicit with feedback from the external assessor at the end of my coaching supervision viva, the final, observed, point of my coaching supervision qualification. She reflected back how patient I had been with my client, and how that patience had showed in the time I gave the client in finding her own thinking. Giving a client this time would feel a respectful thing for me to do anyway, but the language in the feedback was patience. This reminded me of two things – one how I had learnt to be patient with my middle child, who has learning difficulties (Down’s Syndrome), where every stage of his progress has been hard won, recognised and celebrated. It also reminded me of when, as a child myself, I taught another child to dive (we were in the same swimming club). I was able to sit on the side of the pool with him and wait until he decided he could do it.  And now as a grown up, I am often complimented on how much I believe people can do things, and how I give them the time, space and belief to go and do the things they initially believe they cannot. Maybe patience with others is not so much a virtue of mine, but a strength – something I cannot not do. However, there are boundaries – I can only do it for about three hours maximum at a time! And then I need to do something different.

The second area of thought about patience is about patience with oneself, particularly when things do not go at the speed that one would wish. I am, of course, talking about the “slower than we would like” speed. After eighteen years of working for myself I have decided the time has come to join an organisation again. My patience has been remarkably tested, finding my direction and place to fit where all of my experience is valued, appreciated and welcomed, particularly in time of recession. There have been clear moments of despair, amidst all the learning and opportunity to connect in a heartfelt way with others about the dilemmas we face choosing our career at the current time. Not so good on the level of endurance before negativity occurs then, a clear case of good and bad inter-twined! However, in one of my more despairing moments of reflection, I wrote myself a note which began... “I got this job because...” and I was surprised to find myself answering the question in the following way: “I got this job because I was patient. I took the journey as work itself, a learning adventure in its own right, and when the inner work was done and the learning complete, I got the job.” And certainly, as I have become more open to feedback about how I am seen, and where my best contribution would be next, things have flowed more easily.

So where does this lead? What are your thoughts on this quote:

Patience with others is Love,

Patience with self is Hope,

Patience with God is Faith.

Adel Bestravos, 1924 – 2005, who was a Deacon in the Christian Coptic Orthodox Church in Egypt.

 

I found his quote quite inspiring and a different, more positive take on the topic. I can see that my stories about patience with others align well with Love. My stories about patience with myself vary on or with Hope, although do link very strongly with the concept of my own purpose and meaning, and they seem to represent some strange combination of what Adel says about self and God and maybe even Faith for me. I do like his three dimensions, (the number three always is good!) and the linkages he offers, even if it is not entirely consistent with my own thoughts and beliefs, not  at the moment anyway.

What then are the take-aways about my thoughts about patience? The things which stand out for me are:

·         Patience can clearly be an act of love, perhaps this can be seen and felt more easily with others, however perhaps it could be targeted in the same way for self too

·         When patience is required, and I take it as a positive reaction to a situation, it is an opportunity for reflection, inner work and growth as well as feedback and engagement with others

·         At its best patience is therefore an active response, a place where I am present, alive and connected with the needs of the moment, in direct contrast with some of the better known qualities of passivity, denial and avoidance, strategies with which I have been far too familiar in the past.

 What a surprise – I wonder if I have transformed “endurance” to “engagement” ...

Patience is the state of engagement with difficult situations...a positive trait or quality deemed to be (morally) good.

I have enjoyed writing this – it would please me if you would share your own response and thoughts about patience as a virtue here too...

 

Gill is a leadership development consultant and executive coach, particularly interested in helping people in organisations to lead change in an effective, results oriented and meaningful way which exceeds expectations of stakeholders.