Forgiveness and peace
A few years ago I sat a very extended retreat in my
monastery on the theme of contemplative care of the dying. It was a collaboration
between clinicians and contemplatives. It was also a very deep experiential
process, using meditation practices to face into the end of ones life. Despite this there was a lot of tender
laughter and humour in amongst the silence, listening and exploration.
At one point in the process we were asked to walk very
slowly and consciously though our lives and to focus on aspects of our
behaviour and relationships that we would rather turn away from. As I write
this now I realise that a meditation like this is not for the faint hearted! I
spent a large part of three hours in a state of reminiscence and appreciation,
captivated by emerging memories. Eventually as I settled I found myself facing
into elements of my own life that frankly I would have preferred not to look at
again.
The slow growth of sensations associated with regret
emerged. Faced with no one to listen to my justifications, no ‘reasonable
reasons’ to tell myself or others; I simply had to sit with the undefended
truth of my behaviour. Regret had a certain palette to it I discovered. There
were physical sensations akin to anxiety, heat in my neck and face,
occasionally some tears and a feeling of smallness as if any ego or pride that
might inflate me was absent.
I don’t know how long that went on for. I only remember that
by maintaining simple focus and then alternating with bringing loving kindness
to myself as much as I was able, there was a sense of regret dissolving away in
me and eventually around some of the issues I faced into; I could experience an
inner quiet.
In that moment I experienced a distinction between guilt and
regret. I realised that guilt was a loud story focussed on my discomforted feelings about what I had done. It was compelling and rather self absorbed. Regret on
the other hand had an altogether different quality of focussing on the other
and on the unskilled nature of my behaviour. It felt less elaborate but quietly
more painful. I came to think of regret as the core often wrapped up in my
elaborate guilt trips.
Now you might be wondering at this point what all of this
has to do with the theme of forgiveness and peace? Or maybe you have already
seen exactly where my experience took me?
Over that three hours and for many moments subsequently I
came to experience what it is to face into regret, to let the stories and self
serving habitual sensations of guilt drop away, and to offer myself forgiveness
for my lack of skill. Each time I was able to move towards that state of
embodied forgiveness, the act of placing a metaphorical hand over my
heart/mind, I noticed a deep peace. The kind of peace that comes from letting
the life you have lived in all its hues, move through you.
It was only when I was able to experience an embodied
forgiveness of myself by myself that my compassion for those who had treated me
unskilfully could really flow. By flow I do not mean words or sentiments; I
mean an undeniable energetic movement of warmth and care towards another who
has caused you suffering.
I have sat with many people who are dying and with their
families and friends. Firstly it is a mistake to believe that every dying
experience is suffused with insight, reconciliation and love. If we wait for
the dramatic phase shifts of our life to happen before we face into what we
need to forgive in order to be at peace, we may not have enough time, or enough
life force to do it well.
These days I make it a daily practice to face into the
situations I would rather not look at again. I expect to feel difficult about
them and I tell myself this is just natural. I expect to have to wade through
my reasonable reasons and justifications before I can simply accept that ‘yes….
I did that’. With practice what has followed is more tenderness towards myself
and others and as a result my state of inner peace has grown. By doing this I deeply accept we are all
imperfect. I can be at peace about that!
In gassho Claire Genkai
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