On the path of forgiveness we stumble across the stones of our shadow

By Marcos Frangos
Business Support Manager, Hampshire County Council

On the path of forgiveness, I believe we stumble across the stones of our shadow. And we stare at the bald reality that we have suffered and that we too have caused suffering. It is a humbling virtue, and as Karen pointed out in her blog on the same subject, it requires effort to keep walking the path.  

I suspect I often embody what Buddhists might name a ‘near enemy’ in relation to forgiveness. That is to say I assume attributes that look like forgiveness, but they are false selves masquerading as forgiveness and patience. The reality of my experience is that forgiveness is multi-faceted - a spiralling and deepening experience rather than a destination. It is entirely possible to partially forgive, yet to still harbour resentments.

Our ego is most adept at manoeuvring to avoid experiences that feel threatening, and require us to re-examine who we are. I am indebted to two family constellations facilitators (Clare Crombie and Sheila McCarthy Dodd) for the following analogy which I love. Our ego is like a superbly loyal sheep dog permanently on guard. As soon as it perceives that we’re close to an experience that might move us out of our comfort zone (forgiveness being a good example), it’s trained to nip our ankles and return us back to the fold, and to the territory of the known. Comfortable. Safe.

So what circumstances trigger my inner sheepdog to keep me from the challenge, the expansion, the greater capacity to love that are the fruits of forgiveness?

Here’s my forgiveness-avoidance list:

·        Preferring to stay in victimhood; if I keep the other person polarised I don’t have to own my part in the suffering

·        When the others’ pain and suffering so closely mirrors my own that I can hardly bare to witness it.

·        I cling on to ‘wanting to be right’, over and above wanting to be in truthful relationship

·        When I feel my anger or entrenched feelings give me energy and/or a sense of identity, and I’m reluctant to let it go. “Who am I, if I am not this struggle or pain?” In reality I am sure I consume more energy  holding on to unresolved hurt

·        When my inner resources are weakened, I fear that forgiving will drain me yet further – do I really want to turn the other cheek?

·        A fear that forgiving admits fallibility and weakness, and at times my arrogance, pride or fear make it hard to admit being simply human 

Recently I walked part of the Camino de St Jacques de Compostelle, in France – an old Christian pilgrimage route. I walked with awareness of some of the patterns mentioned above. I had allowed a gradual hardening within me, sediment by sediment and whilst my mind might choose  to forget painful episodes, my heart breathes with every detail.  

Heart and sheepdog, it’s quite a dance isn’t it?

So, on my walk I prayed and held the intention to soften and forgive and allow an expansion in which everyone can thrive. As issues came up for me, I just offered them to God. Some moments this led to my really experiencing my sadness, at other times, I felt incredibly supported by the extraordinary healing of nature, and of my companion pilgrims. Walking in nature was for me a wonderful activity to enable forgiveness. I experienced a gentle disentangling of complex inner knots, without real exertion.

I end this personal enquiry with a most beautiful approach to forgiveness. It’s from Hawaii and called the Hoʻoponopono prayer, based on an understanding that human beings are inextricably linked with all creation.

It asks a profound question around forgiveness: “what is in me that is causing an adverse condition to manifest in the other person's life?” and it goes like this…

I am sorry

Please forgive me
I love you
Thank you

Blessings on our paths of forgiveness, and in particular (what I find hardest of all) to expand into forgiving ourselves.